tempestua's blog

Hmm

It seems that my greatest accomplishment on Vox is succeeding to neglect my blog for indefinite amounts of time.

QotD: Spring is in the Air

What's your favorite thing about springtime? 

I can't narrow my answer down to only ONE thing because there are a multitude of things I equally enjoy. I'd have to say, first and foremost, that I enjoy sleeping with the window open. I can't do this for very long because once summer comes it is too hot at night and we turn the air conditioner on instead. It is peaceful to fall asleep to cool, fresh air and the soft hum of the city at night. I also enjoy the sound of birds chirping in the morning. It's nice to wake to that sound and see the sunlight pouring in through my window. I love watching the leaves return to the tree outside of my window, followed my pink blossoms. It's so beautiful and it's there for me to enjoy any time of the day. I also love being able to wear sandals again, and capris or shorts. I feel like my legs and feet have been hiding for months under long pants and sneakers and it's nice to finally uncover them and feel the sun on them as I walk outside. 

QotD: If I Were a Teacher...

If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

I couldn't reisist answering this one! I would want to teach a few things. I'd teach geology, but I'd specialize in teaching Volcanology. I'd prefer to teach at a college level, but teaching children would be fun too! I'd also teach students about volcanic hazard assessment and mitigation. I'd also like to teach a course on how to live more environmentally friendly, and the effects humans have had thus far on the environment, and what implications those effects provide for the future.

Compulsive Habits Die Hard

The last few months of my life have been a transitionary period for me, in many respects, aside from the fact that I have once again left one year behind and embarked on the next. I must point out though, that if the last few months of my life have been anything else besides difficult, they have been enlightening.

I have come to terms with many things I once denied about myself and with other things I've never realized by myself. For starters, I have always been an extremely negative person. It's a compulsive behavior that has gotten me nowhere. I have lost many relationships as a result of it. I think I may have developed this behavior at home, but I don't want to point the finger at anyone for my own actions. I find it difficult to see the brighter side of things. I find that all I can really focus on are the negatives because that's all I have known. This is, of course, unhealthy for me as well as those around me. It is something I have finally admitted to, apologized for, and vowed to work on, but it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I still try and some days I do well while other days I don't do so well and tend to relapse. Try, try again, right? Perhaps one day I'll get it right.

My room mate and I spoke about another compulsive behavior of mine a few weeks ago. We discussed how I have so much going on in my life between work, school, campus organizations, my senior project, planning for grad school, etc. etc. I told him that I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot say no to more assignments. At least I couldn't before. I am always convinced that no matter how absurd, how time-consuming, or how labor-intensive a task may be, I will always find a way to accomplish it successfully. This attitude has led me down a path chalked full of so much to do, all at the same time, I have lost sight of what I was after in the first place. I find that I am no longer enjoying myself. The things I once loved to do feel more like chores, and I am extremely irritable, stressed out, frustrated, and almost burned out to the point where I question my abilities to a) carry on and b) earn two more degrees. And see, there I go again, with the negative behavior.

It's like a cycle that never ends.

During that conversation with my room mate he asked me a question that I didn't quite know the answer to at first, but I do now. He said, "you take on these tasks and always try to do more and more - but who are you doing it for? Yourself? Or others?" I gave him a funny look and swore to him it was for myself. Of course it was. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. I could do it all and still come out alive. I was wrong. I am not just doing it for myself. I am also doing it to prove to others that I can. I want the world to look at me and marvel at all my accomplishments and remember my name when I am dead. I want to be remembered for having contributed great things to the geologic community. What geologist doesn't? While I assume this is somewhat normal, I still question where it comes from. Why do I feel the need to prove myself to others? And when will it stop?

When do I break free? When do I put my foot down and say enough is enough? Will it work that way? Will I find professors and advisors in the future who do not wish to see things through my eyes and experiences, who feel that enough is never enough? I don't know. All I do know is I have to find a way to accomodate my needs. It's ridiculous to think I've spent 5 years of my life forcing more and more tasks into my schedule without ever once stopping to consider how I truly feel and what my limit is. I've stopped listening to myself. That frightens me.

I guess I have a lot to consider and really little time to do (sarcasm). 

I guess I just had to get that off of my chest. I feel better now.

I have class in the morning so.. goodnight.

Fate - A Reason or an Excuse?

Is fate real, or is it something we've conjured up in an effort to dispute the fact that life truly is in our full control - and the decisions we make are outcomes of our choosing to follow a certain path and not the outcome of what life has directed us into?

What is fate anyway? Destiny? Does it confirm belief in a higher power, or is it some unseen force, with which we've always seem to have such a permanent connection to?

Can it be reversed? Some decisions lead to permanent outcomes but can the foundation upon which those decisions once stood be recovered? Can they be healed? Can we then move forward, acting as if nothing had ever changed? Would the lie be worth it? Could that lie be transformed into a reality, false only to those who stand outside of its walls?

I ask myself these questions and while I know the basic answers to them I can't help but wonder if there's something more to the equation. Have I overlooked any variables? I know I've factored in hope, but is that enough?

I discovered yesterday that someone I had strong feelings for felt the same about me, at the same time, but we were both too concernedworriedscarredapprehensive to speak up. He went his way and I went mine, and we never lost touch, even when he married and fathered a daughter. I now come to discover that during our period of silence, when we dared not to speak of how we truly felt, we were both truly hurt by past relationships and we were both looking for someone to prove us wrong about how ugly love had become.

Was our silence worth it? I mean, his daughter, I know, is the light of his life. I can't help but wonder how things could have been different. Would they have been different?

I am so angry with myself now. I am mostly grieving though, for something that perhaps should have been but never was. I don't know if it ever will be. I can't and won't be the other woman, but I have no idea where life will steer me next. Where fate will take me..

Or is it still all in my hands?

Time

Time.

It's constant. It never slows, nor does it speed up. It can always be measured, compared, but never altered. One could argue that it's not even real. It's not tangible. It's only conceptual. Yet since we've begun measuring it and counting the days, weeks, months, and years that have since passed, it has left no part of our lives untouched.

Have you ever noticed how sometimes it seems to alter itself? How.. it seems to sometimes slow down or speed up? This is of course not true, merely a perception, but my perception of something can become my reality of it - if I choose to accept that. So if my days seem to blend together, and time moves so quickly I cannot keep track of the weeks, I perceive time to be speeding up. In essence, its rate of passage has increased. The same can be said for when it seems, when I perceive, it to slow down. I'm sure you know exactly what I am talking about.

So tell me..

Have you ever noticed how it never speeds up or slows down when you need it to? A set of events unfold and you suddenly wish time to move faster or slower. Usually, if you wish for it to speed up, it seems to slow down, to drag, to stretch itself out, lengthening every single millisecond into what suddenly feels like oblivion. Of course, if you wish for it to slow down, it seems to speed up instead. It moves faster, and faster, and you suddenly find yourself trying to define the recently blurred lines between days, weeks, months.. perhaps even years. When was the distinction lost? How was I lost within the passage of time? At what point did I stop counting, did I fail to measure, or fail to perceive the rate at which time began to pass?  It is only in the aftermath do you realize how much time was lost and how inconceivably oblivious you were, not necessarily to its increasing rate of passage, but rather to your perception of it now.

Time. There always seems to be an abundance or deficiency. Hardly do I ever feel as though I've found a medium inbetween.

I love you; You are my life now

I just finished reading Twilight.

Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)

I read it in about twelve hours, minus the time I took to contemplate over the characters, and wonder how well reality might parallel fiction.

You may be wondering what I mean by that statement. No, I don't believe in vampires. I love the thought of vampires, but I am too much of a scientist to try and reason with the unreasonable, to fabricate and justify what cannot be proven by any physical evidence. That's the scientist in me. I cannot seem to break out of that mindset, and yet I still believe in God. How odd.

What I mean is, the love between Bella and Edward, so carefully intertwined into the pages of the book, into the mind of its reader, and most importantly, its author. I wonder if love like that could even exist, especially in the world we live in today. Everything about Edward is everything I've ever hoped for in a man, and most if it, the most appealing and alluring parts, are the ones I have yet to find. I know that I'll find better than what I've been dealt thus far, but I have to question if it could ever come close to what I have just read.

Fiction is fiction, but all ideas are pulled and created by something either tangible or understood. It is a work of the imagination, but reality, in some ways, is still a part of it. But as I read the book I often found myself questioning whether or not the love between Edward and Bella could truly exist outside of its pages. My friend kindly reminded me that Edward was created by a woman, and that no love could ever come close to the one created by its author. I still feel as though I shouldn't give up hope; that perhaps, if I dream hard enough, it can become reality. But then at the same time I also doubt that, thinking I should focus on what I see rather than what I dream, and the scientist inside of me takes over once again, dominating my state of mind.

Maybe I shouldn't think so much, analyze so much. Maybe I should just relax and enjoy the book for what it is: a book. A fictional book.

Things shouldn't be so complicated.

Reminder: Don't Forget to Breathe!

I have to admit, I am really nervous right now. So nervous, in fact, that I am concerned I won't be able to sleep much tonight, and that could be a very bad thing. I have studied, and studied, and studied, and studied even more, so much in fact, I think the amount in the last two weeks could add up to somewhere between two and three days straight. I am taking what is considered one of the most difficult classes I'll ever take as a geologist, and my final for that class is tomorrow.

I know I did really well on the last test - much better than I thought I would, and I was thoroughly impressed with myself. I hope I'll be able to say the same tomorrow. I feel a bit overwhelmed though. There is so much information to understand. You can't memorize it - you have to understand all the small little pictures that, when put together, create the bigger picture. Then you have to understand how that bigger picture relates to other bigger pictures, and, ugh. My stack of notecards is nearly three inches thick.

I have told myself that I have studied a lot and I am only capable of so much. I'll just have to give it everything I've got and accept that I am only human.

 

In other news (ha!) this bitch at school has been picking on me for weeks. It's ridiculous, considering that a) not only are we in college (hello?! high school is OVER) but she's twice my age. Yeah. I know. It hurts a little - not by much - but I am mostly just irritated because I'd like to live my life without someone poking at every last detail. I don't need your input if you're going to be an arrogant bitch about it. In fact, I don't need your input unless I ask for it. I have decided that I am not going to respond at all to anything else she says. I am done with the drama, I left it behind when I graduated from high school. Trying to reason with ignorance is just like adding fuel to the fire.

Boys. Ooh, switching gears here. Yeah, boys. I seriously, just.. don't.. understand them at.. ALL!! Really, seriously, honestly, just don't get it. They say one thing, do another, then say the first thing they said, again, and then do something even more opposite than the second thing they did and.. where does that leave me? Scratching my head as I linger somewhere between confused and even more confused. Not to mention, I'm approaching irritated. Well, here's my take on it: you either want it, or you don't. You either want to, or you don't. You either care and are interested, or you don't and you aren't. But you know.. the least one can ask for is honesty. Just be straight with me. Enough with the games, because I'm about to walk for good.

*insert really deep sigh here*

I am going to go attempt studying once more. Maybe round, uh, 60, will yield some positive results.